Deep breath.

I’m getting back in that mode. That frame of mind. THAT mode.

The feeling of being stuck. That feeling where there are a million and one directions  I could be going and I seriously don’t know where the heck to go.

Welcome to life- right?

I’m so incredibly frustrated with myself. Ever since I can remember I’ve always been one to have a game plan. Or last I’ve wanted to have a game plan. I’m not very spontaneous. I don’t do well not knowing the details of everything. I’m not a control freak..but I value security and assurance…and reassurance.

It seems like it was just yesturday that I was starting high school. I was just a little fourteen your old girl.  Now my Jr. Year is practically half over and I’ll be 17 in a month. I know someone is going to laugh at that statement.

Seventeen years hold! You have your whole life ahead of you! Well bare with me while I pull out the teenage angst card for a bit alright?

Naturally with my senior year approaching I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the future. So naturally I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my work..being an ‘artist’ in general…and just where I envision myself in the next five years.

Even as I type this I can feel my fingers start to tighten up- knots slowly developing themselves in my stomach.

I am so afraid.

I’ve never been one for making decisions easily. I am probably the most indecisive person you will ever meet.  To this day I will wait until the rest of my family orders their meal in a restaurant before choosing what I want to order (which means choosing exactly what my brother or sister ordered) because I can never make up my mind…and if I do happen to make a choice on my own I usual regret it. Ah!!

There are so many choices to be made and I haven’t even gotten to the point where I need to make them and I’m already worrying.

I still don’t understand why God gave me the one talent/passion for something that [in today's society] you have to bold about doing it..

Can I just be immature and irrational for a minute?

I SUCK AT PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE!

For so long I have been stuck in my own little peaceful bubble. The bubble where most people I meet appreciate what I do and there isn’t too much competition to deal with. I’ve never been the business type. I’m not trying to impress anybody. I’m not even trying to make money here. I’m just doing what I know how to do- what I love to do. I’m doing this because I have to, because if I didn’t…I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.literally.

The face of the matter is..there are so many brilliantly heartbreaking, unbelievably beautiful, incredibly talented artists out there.And it’s tough sitting here looking at and wondering where I belong in all of that, or if I even do.  I am so incredibly out of touch with what God wants me to do it’s not even funny. This is the first time in a long time I’ve ever admitted that.

And the funny thing is, I know what to do to get certain places. I at least have an idea of what it will mean for me..and what steps I will have to take to make it possible. But the problem is,

I don’t know what in the word I want.

I really don’t.

And so here I am, asking myself, “Okay Joy, what do you want? What do you want to do with yourself? What do you want to do with all of this?” When I know I should be asking, “Okay God, what can I do for you? What can I do with my life, and my gift to serve you?”

I know that there are some people who will read this who won’t be able to relate at all to what I’m going through.

I know that it is a hard concept for some to wrap their mind around.  But the fact of the matter is, I’m not supposed to be doing any of this for anyone. I’m not supposed to be doing this for me.  And it’s so hard to give it up. It’s so hard for me to give myself away.

It’s scary.  But I can’t do it on my own- It just doesn’t work.